Watch for the Signs

STOP Dinosaurs...?

We’ve all seen the signs.  We all know what they mean.  STOP.  I’m sure no one really looks at them outside of noticing that they’re there.  That’s why the STOP signs at the 4-way stop by the fire department in my town have remained altered.  Hell, I don’t even know how long they’ve been that way.  I’d say vandalized, but that’s too harsh of a word.  “Decorated.”  

Teddy Bears & Voodoo Dolls

"But what do baby bears sleep with?"

What do teddy bears sleep with?  After all,  us humans made teddy bears for us to sleep with.  What did teddy bears cuddle up with when they were little to make themselves feel safe and warm?

I posed this question recently online.  The one response I received that stuck with me was simply put:  Humans.  We sleep with teddy bears, so obviously they are sleeping with us.  I guess that’s simple enough.

I rethought the core of my question.  We humans have fashioned stuff animals to resemble bears so that we can cuddle with them at night as children.  We call them teddy bears.  

So, really what I meant to ask was, “Does that mean that baby bears cuddle with little stuffed animals that resemble humans?”  Maybe they call them "teddy men." 

They Can't All Be Creepers

I always feel bad when I get a phone call and it’s the wrong number.  It always goes like this:

“Hello?”

“Hi, is so-and-so there?”

“Nope.  You got the wrong number.”

At that point, the other person always says in horror, “Oh… I’m so sorry.” 

I try to tell them, “It’s okay, no worries,” but I feel like if this exchange was in person the other person would be running away crying in embarrassment at this point.  

Jigsaw Karma

It all started New Years Eve 198X.  Everyone has their traditions for the holiday.  Most people gather in large parties and clubs to celebrate with champagne and music and friends.  

In my household growing up we built a puzzle - the entire thing - all in one night.  Then we went to bed.

HOW I BUILT A PUZZLE AS A KID:

Lick the Dream Storm

My last blog-post explained a fun way to make a poem by writing something and then letting an online translator chew it up.  As promised, I did the exercise myself, and got two awesome poems out of it.  Here ya go!

Everyone's a Poet Now!

I don’t like poetry.  I find people’s poems to be self-indulgent, emo, horribly vague and deliberately cryptic.  If you want to tell us how you feel, just say it.

Now, if you want to write an awesome poem that everyone will love, here’s a fun exercise.  Don’t think you know the first thing about writing at all?  Trust me, you can do this. 

Demotivational Bull$#*!

Here’s something that pisses me off.

Take a car.  Lets say, for example, this one.  Little car.  Jacked up front end.  Hood completely crushed.  Yeah, that’ll do.

Your first reaction is, “Damn, what the hell happened to that dude?”  Am I right?  Perfectly valid response.

But then someone decides that they want to make a statement about something, like texting while driving.  They have an opinion about how horrible it is, and to demonstrate it they use a picture to manipulate their audience with false representation. 

Gum

I hate gum.  Hate it.  Hate it.  Hate! 

And  this is why:

Let’s say you offer me a piece of gum, and for some strange reason I take you up on it.  I take it out of the wrapper, toss it in my mouth, and throw the wrapper out.  First few minutes - awesome.  Good taste, nice and juicy; just what I wanted.  Hell, maybe I’ll blow a bubble or two while I’m at it.

IDK

Fail-blog text messages amuse me.  I don’t care if they’re fake, or if they’re going out of style.  I read a “top 25” set at the beginning of the year that by the end of them I was laughing so hard I was crying and I couldn’t even read them out loud anymore.

 

My most recent favorite goes something like this:

- Hey, do you know what IDK means?

- I don’t know.

- Ug!  No one knows!

Days later, it still tickles me.  In fact, I want to simulate that same conversation with an unsuspecting participant.

It hasn’t going my way.  By the time I decided to, I’d already told the story to most of my fiends.  The first person I tried it on went like this:

Smurf 'Srooms

Who remembers the Smurfs?!  Little blue guys.  Lived in a mushroom village?  Sang that “La. La. La la. La. La. / La. la La. La la…” song.

What was that show even about? 

I’ve thought about it for awhile now, and it doesn’t make sense.  The Smurfs live in their little grove, rarely branching out, just minding their own business.  Meanwhile, in a nearby castle is an evil man named Gargamel, who’s sole purpose in life seems to be to capture, cook, and kill the Smurfs… 

And that’s it.

Glass at Half

Half empty or half full?  That’s the question, right?

It’s half empty. 

I’m glad I could clear that up for everyone. I hope we can all move on now.

Chicken or Egg?.... What?  Oh, you want me to defend myself.

Fine.  You’re at a restaurant.  Does your drink ever show up half full?  No.  Does it show up half empty?  No.  It shows up full, and you drink it until it’s gone.  At some point, it’s half empty. 

Its all about direction.  If you’re filling the glass up, then sure, there is a moment in which it is half full.  But by the time you’re staring at the glass, pondering the question, you’ve already finished half of it.  It was full.  It’s on its way down because you’re drinking it.  So halfway is half empty.

Halloween: Breaking Bad

For those of you who don't know,
"Breaking Bad" is about chemistry
teacher Walter White, who when
diagnosed with terminal cancer,
decides to cook meth in order
to provide for his family.

Some people go all out for Halloween.  Some think it’s the greatest holiday out there.  I, believe it or not, am not one of those people.  This year however, I might have a hard time convincing you otherwise.

I’m a bit self-conscious about my receding hairline.  I become hyper aware of it when my hair gets too long, and it starts to look like the comb-over that old professors seem to sport - you know who I’m talking about.  I know you’ve had that teacher, too!

Well, it was time for a haircut again.  It was also closing in on Halloween.  And in my contempt, I said the usual “maybe I should just shave it all off.  I’m going to look that way soon enough anyways.”  I also jokingly said to myself that I could just shave it off, and be Walter White from the TV show “Breaking Bad.”


I said that on Monday.  I wasn’t serious.  Well, not until I shaved it on Thursday.

If you’ve never shaved your head before, let me warn you - you’re skull has no temperature regulation.  When you’re not moving, its hot, because that’s where all the heat in your body vents from.  When you move in the slightest, it gets cold and drafty.  Really weird.  Try it out. 

It’s also hard to get use to how you look.  Between the buzz and the goatee, I feel like a dweeby nerd inside a thug’s body.  Strangers look at me differently.  I went to buy something from Sears.  The salesman seemed like he wasn’t interested in selling to me, which was weird, because I’ve bought both my lawnmower, and my snow-blower from him.  He didn’t recognize me.  I didn’t bother to introduce myself.  He wanted nothing to do with me.  Shallow prick…

Work on Friday was fun.  Nothing but positive feedback.  The three reactions I got were as follows:

1. “Dude, you look just like him, only younger.”

2. “I seriously didn’t recognize you.  I just thought you had a new temp in your department.  Like, you waved at me and I just thought, well isn’t he a friendly guy.”

3. “You have a nice shaped head.  It doesn’t look deformed or nothin’”


My favorite, however, was “Hey, can I get a picture of you to send to my wife?”

I can honestly say I have never had anyone say those words, in that order to me before.

Oh Crap! I know you!

My wife and I went to a Caribou coffee shop yesterday for - of all things - coffee.  As soon as we entered the building, my eyes locked on a person sitting in a leather chair in the corner across from us.  It was one of my coworkers.  She was busy on her laptop, and apparently did not witness us come in.  In my surprise, I looked at Tonya and said, “Hey, look.  Its so-and-so!”  I said it loud enough that I thought she would hear me, but not loud enough for it to sound like a excessive stage whisper.  Well, my friend didn’t look up.

That’s when my over-thinking kicked it.  “Is that her?  Maybe it isn’t her.  She must have heard me.  I’m pretty sure that’s what she was wearing at work today.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe that isn’t her.  Now that I stare at her like a creep, it doesn’t look like her.  Should I go up and say ‘hi’?  Well, if it's not her, that would be awkward.  Maybe I’ll say her name loudly in hopes she looks…and if that’s not her and she looks up anyways, and I’m still staring at her, I’ll feel like an ass.  Nah, forget it…

“But wait!  What if that is her, but I don’t go say ‘hi,’ and she sees me leave.  Then she’ll think I was avoiding her, and I don’t mean to be like that. 

“I know!  I’ll sit down with Tonya and exaggerate my conversation to catch her attention and then she’ll have to come say hi to me.  That puts the pressure on her, not me.”

Yeah, that didn’t work.  And yes, that was my coworker.  And no, she never noticed that we came in, ordered our drink, sat down a table away from her for half an hour, and left without saying goodbye.

KABOOM!

Getting blow up by a bomb sucks.  It’s never happened to me personally, but I’m sure that if it did, it would. 

Let’s say it’s the end of your work day.  You’re on your way out to your car - you’re tired; your crabby; work sucked; it always sucks - when, oh look, there’s low flying plane headed way you.  Then, when its almost directly overhead, a massive object that can only be a bomb detaches from its underbelly.

Well, that sucks.

What do you do?  Any Public Service Announcement will tell you “A bomb!  Duck and Cover.”

Wrong.  If you’re in the middle of a field that’s very shortly going to be a massive crater, swatting down in the grass isn’t going to do dick shit for you.  And what a way to go.  Bomb hits, shockwave goes out, and your body incinerates instantly in a stance you only find yourself in when you can’t wait until the next rest stop to go to the bathroom.

I figure the moment you see that chunk of metal dropping from the sky, the rest of your day is pretty well planned out for you.  However, you probably have a good ten seconds beforehand. 

Strangely, I see this as a blessing.  Think about it.  If a doctor told me that I only have 18 days left to live, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.  How much time do I really have left?  On what day am I no longer able to function?  I probably only have 14 days of quality living remaining.  What do I do with 14 days?  Knowing me, I probably would spend the first few days trying to figure it out; the last few meditating on whether or not I spent my time wisely; and the days in between not really enjoying myself, and for obvious reasons.

Ten seconds on the other hand - a lot less thinking.  A lot more doing.

In this situation, its better to have a game plan long before you leave work.  You know, just in case.  Near as I can tell, you only have one of three options:

Option #1 - Stand where you, and scream.  I’m sure most people would do this.  It’s unfortunate to pee yourself standing up, but in the heat of the moment, it probably feels like the right thing to do.  On the bright side, you’d get to witness first hand what a shockwave of flame and debris looks like.  Ooooo pretty…

Option #2 - Run towards it.  A popular choice among fatalists, realists, pessimists, or people who just had a bad day.  Just get it over with.  You don’t really want to survive something like that anyways.  Think of the radiation poisoning, the permanent injuries, potential paralysis or dismemberment, fourth-degree burns, the medical bills.  I yi yi!  Besides, as Dennis Hopper would tell you, “In a mess like that, they don’t even count body parts... They’re going to be cleaning your friend up with a sponge.”

Option #3 - Run! The PSA will tell you to duck and cover - hide.  Not me.  I’d rather be proactive; take my fate in my own hands; feel like John McClane for a brief moment in my life.  Imagine the rush you’d get booking it as fast as you can, hurtling the hood of cars as an inferno rides in your wake.  If you’re going to die anyways, you might as well go out with a bang - live free or die hard I say!

I’d like to think that in that moment I would turn out to be my own personal hero.  Sadly, I’d probably just stand there screaming, or swatting, or both.

What would you do?

Conan the Barbarian

Keeping in the spirit of Conan: The Barbarian’s recent theatrical release, I thought it only fitting that I devote a blog entry to it.  There is a great deal about the iconic warrior that most people don’t know.  For one, Conan first appeared in 1932, a full decade before J.R.R. Tolkien even began writing the Lord of the Rings.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Conan was the birth of the fantasy genre.

Given that people know very little of Conan prior to the 1980s films starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, I’m assuming that means people know even less about his creator, Robert E. Howard. 

I was told once a very intriguing story regarding the troubled soul of Robert E. Howard.  Rumor has it that he was not inspired to write Conan stories; but rather commanded to do so by the apparition of the barbarian, which would periodically come to visit him.  With his hooded eyes edged in wrath, and his sword dripping in blood, Conan would threaten Howard with his life if he did not sit down and pen the barbarian’s tale.  And so, night after night, the apparition would oversee Howard’s work; while in a cold sweat Howard would write as vigorously as possible for fear that he would not live to see the light of day again should he slow down.

True or not, it is an excellent story.

But that, it is rumored, is how the legend of the great Conan of Cimmeria was written.  

Man vs. Baby

We call her Ace.  She’s two weeks short of her first birthday; she barely walks; and she can only speaks a handful of words.  I was asked to babysit her for an evening.  Alone.  By myself.  Just me and her….

Pssst.  How hard could it be?

Lesson One:  If you are not being disturbed by a baby, its because she’s doing something you don’t want her doing somewhere you don’t want her being. 

I’m sweeping.  I’m not watching her.  CRASH!  My stone coasters hit the hardwood floor.  While I’m checking to make sure that they aren’t broken, Ace moves onto the next great attraction: the VCR.  She’s less than two feet away from me, and she manages to push the VHS into the VCR and is now jamming her hand in the slot in attempt to get it back.

Easy fix.  She has this tall alligator toy thing that makes a nice barricade.  I slide it between her and the VCR.  The gears turn in her head as she looks at it with disapproval.  Then, she grabs the thing and shoves it aside like King Kong pitches a parked car out of the way.

As I’m pulling her out of the VCR again, I happen to look at my beautiful 37” LCD television to find that the bottom third of it is covered in hand prints…

I wipe that clean and bring her into the bedroom to pick up.  Ace finds the laundry basket and keeps herself busy by eating a sock.  A minute or two later I glance over to see that she’s put on one of Tonya’s tank tops. 

Now, Tonya told me that if she did anything cute, I should take pictures.  So I go get my camera.  While I’m fiddling with the settings, Ace walks over to the doorway, where she decides that she doesn’t want it on anymore.  It gets stuck on her head; she struggles; flails about; and falls backwards.  CLICK!  Her head hits the door, the door frame, and then the hardwood floor. 

There’s tears, and crying, and it’s the end of the world...  And then she’s at the laundry basket again like it’s a toy box, and stuffs another sock in her mouth.

Once that fiasco is over, I decide to do dishes.  Let me tell you, a baby will find everything that she possibly can, even if you had no idea that it was there, or that she could reach it, or that it was even a problem.  Outlets are really popular.  So is the microwave stand with its metal baskets.  It’s like a buffet for her.  Dig in, pull out as many paper plates you want, throw them on the floor - plastic silverware, plastic cups, napkins, shoot me, trash bags…

I give Ace this baby cup with plastic flaps over the lip.  You’re suppose to fill it with cereal, and the flaps will keep the food in.  Ha! 

What Ace does is she hold down the flaps and shakes it like tambourine, and Cherrios go flying everywhere!  Or she dished them out like a flower girl doles out rose pedals at a wedding.  When she’s done, it looks like she’s made a trail of crumbs that Hansel and Gretel could use to find their way back home.

Clean that up.  Made dinner, which went well.  Now the bath…

The first two nights we had her, Tonya gave her a bath in the kitchen sink, and she loved it, except for that moment when bath-time’s over, at which point there’s screaming. 

I thought, “What the hell.  Let’s give her a bath in the tub!”

Bad idea.  Ace doesn’t sit in the tub.  She wants to stand; and walk around; and fall; and crack her head on the side of the tub.  Now she’s crying, but she’s still determined to stand, and fall, and crack her head a second time…  And then stand, and fall, but I manage to grab her arm this time around. 

I force her to sit, which makes her cry even more.  Then, she gets soap in her eyes.  By this point, her sole purpose in life is to stare me down as I’m washing her and scream in my face.  Regardless, when bath-time’s over it’s somehow still a tragedy, and she’s going off like a tornado siren.

As I’m dressing her, she starts playing with something and suddenly she’s giggling and happy.  Just like that.  Snap of the fingers and she goes from an exorcism to happy trails.

I lay her down with a bottle, and the most exhausting four hours of my life are over.

When Tonya got home, she asked in a chipper voice “How did tonight go?!”  I described it as being similar to when Luke Skywalker meets Yoda for the first time in The Empire Strikes Back:

Oh, and in the morning, it turns out the diaper wasn’t on right,
and she peed all over her pants and the crib.

Go Jon!

The Carbon Obelisk

It stands 52” inches high, with a circumference of 105.”  Formed of three monstrosities fused into one, its root structure radiates out beyond and below the limits of mankind’s reach.  Layers upon layers of roots the size of a grown men’s thighs are interwoven into a shielding barrier that is nigh impossible to break through.  If it has a taproot, it quite likely girdles the center of the earth. 

The goliath has separated two hatchets into its component pieces, jammed the chains of two chainsaws, and snapped the shaft of an axe below the head, claiming its life.  Chains cannot pull this beast down.  A truck cannot even make it shudder.  Once in its presence, it is as though the thundering drums of the 2001 Space Odyssey rumble within the beholder’s mind.

But we will not surrender.  We will defeat this opponent through endurance, perseverance, and unfaltering stubbornness.  Its collective masses may bear a totality of two centuries or more.  It may know this land better than us.  It may harbor the strength of a thousand sequoias within the bowels of the earth.  But we will cut the arteries from this foul beast and isolate it from its reinforcements.  For every vein we gouge, it notices;  for every root we severe, it weakens. 

Yet it will feign to be undaunted, and so must we.  In our ignorance we have lost battle after battle, unaware of the war that has begun.  But I promise you, one day it will shudder.  One day it will bow beneath the pull of the chain.  One day its roots will give, and its taproot will be reveal to us.  And on that day, by Crum, we will drag the carbon obelisk from the pits of hell it clings to! 

JonnyD's Biannual Movie List

Once a year I visit IMDb’s website and sift through all the upcoming movies for their synopses and trailers.  I find a lot of films that go under the radar that I think I’d rather enjoy.  Unfortunately, the listings always peter out after 6 months out.  This is the first time I’ve actually looked at the list twice in one year.  In hindsight, I should probably do this three times a year.

Anyways, for the second half of 2011 here are the top 12 movies I want to see, and the trailers for top 4.

12.  Immortals - November 11

Theseus is a mortal man chosen by Zeus to lead the fight against King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke), who is on a rampage across Greece to obtain a weapon that can destroy humanity.

11. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - December 16

Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law take on their fiercest adversary, Professor Moriarty.

10. The Three Musketeers - October 14   

Starring Logan Lerman, Matthew Macfadyen, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans and  Milla Jovovich.

8. Crazy, Stupid, Love - July 29     

A married guy (Steve Carell) tries to balance handling a crisis with his wife (Julianne Moore), attending couples therapy, and maintaining his relationship with his kids.  Also starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.

9. Transformers: Dark of the Moon - June 29  

During the space race between the U.S.S.R. and the USA, Shia LaBeouf and Optimus Prime go up against Shockwave.

8. Crazy, Stupid, Love - July 29     

A married guy (Steve Carell) tries to balance handling a crisis with his wife (Julianne Moore), attending couples therapy, and maintaining his relationship with his kids.  Also starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.

7. Cowboys and Aliens - July 29    

In Silver City, Arizona, Apache Indians and Western settlers must lay their differences aside when an alien spaceship crash lands in their city.  Stars Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford.

6. Terri - July 1

A comedy centered on the relationship between oversized teen misfit Terri (Jacob Wysocki) and his well-meaning vice principal (John C. Reilly).

5. 30 Minutes or Less - August 12

Two fledgling criminals (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson) kidnap pizza delivery guy Nick (Jesse Eisenberg), strap a bomb to his chest, and inform him that he has mere hours to rob a bank.

 4. Take Shelter - October 7

3. Real Steel - October 7   

2. Captain America: The First Avenger - July 22       

1. Conan the Barbarian - August 19       

Evil Spray Foam

After several weeks of ignoring the cosmetic disaster that is the backdoor, I finally got around to finishing what was left - wiring the doorbell, putting in the lock plates, nailing in new molding, etc.  But first is the matter of spray foam insulation.

I’ve never used spray foam insulation before, but it comes in a can like WD40, or string cheese.  Can’t be that hard. 

1. Shake can vigorously for no less than one minute. 

No problem;  I shake it for two in case I wasn’t vigorous enough. 

2. Wear protective gloves.  Psst... yeah, whatever. 

3. -- Can assembly instructions -- Standard stuff.

4. Fill the void to <50%. 

Not equal to.  Less than.  Not even half.  I look at the void surrounding the door.  There’s a healthy moat there.

Well, obviously the can is wrong.  Instead, I fill the gap to a minimum of 50% if not closer to 75%.  Better to have too much than not enough, right?  For the spots that the sheetrock obscured my view, I just jammed the can up there and let fire for a few seconds and called it good.  

The can says it takes 15 minutes to set.  By 3 minutes in there is no void.  By 5 it looks like the Stay Puft  Marshmallow Man got trapped inside my wall when we put the door in.  By 7 minutes fist-size globs of the gooey fellow are falling to the ground.

I make a run for paper bags, the trashcan, and paper towels.  When I get back the door looks like an inflatable life raft.

Wouldn’t this just be the funniest time for my wife to get home from work?  Well, speak of the devil!  “Hi hun.  How are you?  Huh?  That?  No, its fine…no worries.  It only has another 5 minutes before it sets.  Oh crap, its still falling off.”

It was like fighting off the deluge of foam coming out of a over-shook bottle of pop.  It kept comin’ and comin’ and comin’ 

At 35 minutes we had to get going.  But, by the looks of things when we got home, that was the magic timeframe - 35 minutes.  Not 15. 

See, I knew the can was wrong.

STAR WARS 2011

As the perfect Grand Opening, let me tell you about May 4th.  For those of you who are not nerds, May 4th is unofficial Star Wars Day, for the sole reason that on that day you can look at your hairy Wookie friend and say, “May the 4th be with you.”

Now, it occurred to me that even though I own the trilogy (yes, trilogy; there are only three of them) I cannot remember the last time I watched them.  I know February 2010 I willing jumped into a frozen lake because it sounded like a good idea, and then spent the rest of the day half-conscious on my couch watching the 1977 Star Wars.  Before that, I “watched” the whole trilogy in 2007, but I was using it as background noise while I worked on a college art project.  But the last time I truly sat down and watched the whole trilogy?  It’s been at least five years.

Well, we fixed that.  Unfortunately, May the 4th landed on a Wednesday.  Boo. 

But, May the 14th, was seemed like a good runner-up, landed on a Saturday. Yay!

So we rearranged my living room to make room for more people.  Then we made Star Wars cookies, Wookie cookies, blue milk, the whole works.  I even hunted down some Colt 45 because Billy Dee Williams was the spokesman for it back in the 80s.  Ah, Colt 45.  Works every time…

To introduce each movie I prepped a 10-15 minute video reel of the original trailers, 80s commercials, and fan-made Star Wars videos.  It was epic.

But wait!  It gets better - Spring Con was the following weekend.  Now, I had never been to a comic book convention before.  The place was packed with all types of booths - mostly comic book artists displaying their work; selling their prints and books; and enthusiastically sharing their passion with you.  However, there were also display tables with all sorts of movie props; figurines for sale; and of course people in costume!  Predator, Hellboy, Joker, and and AND...

Maybe next May I’ll be in San Diego at the real Comicon.  Otherwise, May the 4th lands on a Friday.  Woot woot!  Oh, and Star Wars comes out on Blu Ray in September.  Save up now!