Halloween: Breaking Bad

For those of you who don't know,
"Breaking Bad" is about chemistry
teacher Walter White, who when
diagnosed with terminal cancer,
decides to cook meth in order
to provide for his family.

Some people go all out for Halloween.  Some think it’s the greatest holiday out there.  I, believe it or not, am not one of those people.  This year however, I might have a hard time convincing you otherwise.

I’m a bit self-conscious about my receding hairline.  I become hyper aware of it when my hair gets too long, and it starts to look like the comb-over that old professors seem to sport - you know who I’m talking about.  I know you’ve had that teacher, too!

Well, it was time for a haircut again.  It was also closing in on Halloween.  And in my contempt, I said the usual “maybe I should just shave it all off.  I’m going to look that way soon enough anyways.”  I also jokingly said to myself that I could just shave it off, and be Walter White from the TV show “Breaking Bad.”


I said that on Monday.  I wasn’t serious.  Well, not until I shaved it on Thursday.

If you’ve never shaved your head before, let me warn you - you’re skull has no temperature regulation.  When you’re not moving, its hot, because that’s where all the heat in your body vents from.  When you move in the slightest, it gets cold and drafty.  Really weird.  Try it out. 

It’s also hard to get use to how you look.  Between the buzz and the goatee, I feel like a dweeby nerd inside a thug’s body.  Strangers look at me differently.  I went to buy something from Sears.  The salesman seemed like he wasn’t interested in selling to me, which was weird, because I’ve bought both my lawnmower, and my snow-blower from him.  He didn’t recognize me.  I didn’t bother to introduce myself.  He wanted nothing to do with me.  Shallow prick…

Work on Friday was fun.  Nothing but positive feedback.  The three reactions I got were as follows:

1. “Dude, you look just like him, only younger.”

2. “I seriously didn’t recognize you.  I just thought you had a new temp in your department.  Like, you waved at me and I just thought, well isn’t he a friendly guy.”

3. “You have a nice shaped head.  It doesn’t look deformed or nothin’”


My favorite, however, was “Hey, can I get a picture of you to send to my wife?”

I can honestly say I have never had anyone say those words, in that order to me before.

Narcissism at it's best!

I’ve got another great marketing idea! ME!  That’s right, ME.  This guy.  This guy right here.  Wait, come back!  Let me explain,myself…
<grumble grumble I don’t see why I have to defend myself mutter mutter>

A conversation involving me went too far, and no one stopped me before I went off the deep end.  I joked that it would be funny to take fifty professional-type pictures of myself, frame them all, and line my hallway, two rows on a side, all the way down to the bedroom.  I’m sure Tonya would love that!  Better yet, how about we take a massive, wall-sized photo of my good looks and hang it right over the bed!  Oh my god, awesome!!

Two things real quick.  1.) Believe it or not, I am not this narcissistic, and 2.) This all has a valid point that I’m working up to.

Spongebob came up right pretty quick after that, and how the “employee of the month” wall had nothing but his face on it.  Well, wouldn’t it be funny to have all the walls of my office (assuming, for example, I ran an ice cream delivery service) layered with portraits of myself.  Imagine being in that room for an interview!  Better yet:  I’ll buy a wooden desk with a glass surface, and then have a large portrait of myself between it and the wood, looking up at you while you sit across from me!

The only place to go from here is paraphernalia.  What do you think of JonnyDStrong…

          Playing cards - 52 different images of me.
          Calendars - Especially page-a-day calendars
          Coffee mugs - Picture this.  When the cup gets hot, I appear. 
                                  When it cools off, I disappear!   
          Chia pets - Watch my receding hairline grow back.   
          Cardboard standouts   
          T-shirts
          Bobble Heads

And then it occurred to me:

If someone as useless, sad, and as pathetic of a representative of the planet earth like Paris Hilton can become popular for no rightful reason whatsoever, then anyone else should (if not deserves to) be able to do the same.  I honestly believe that if you have the proper amount of publicity and marketing, you could take someone, anyone, and make them a sellable product.  People will buy crap just because it’s “that guy,” especially teenagers.  Why?  Because it’s cool to support something nonsensical.

All you need is someone who thinks that he’s kinda of a big deal.  One of those guys who has a hard time pulling myself away from the mirror because of the dashing chap staring back at me.  Someone who can throw myself out there with my cocksure demeanor and infallible confidence.

Well, I couldn’t develop a theory without making a field study out of it.  I was going to have to make JonnyD paraphernalia. No way around it, really.  To my wife’s great joy, I discovered a website that will make custom playing cards for dirt cheap.  Even worse, I found several people who were more than willing (even than me) to help set up a photo shoot in my basement, or donate hats, helmets, clothes, and make-up to the event.

So at this point I ask you: Is it still narcissism if there’s a whole group of people supporting this?

My friend and aspiring photographer Niki Craft brought over her camera equipment and took the pictures.  We were at it for five hours.  We took over five hundred shots!  I selected the ones I wanted, retouched them and placed the order.  I must say, they are quite impressive, and I’ve gotten nothing but good reception from everyone I’ve shown them off to.

A few people have actually seemed offended that I would even do something like this.  Come on, folks.  You’ve got to be able to have fun with yourself. 

And maybe they’re just pissed off that it’s not their face on the cards.  Or better yet, they’re jealous that I have a deck of JonnyD cards, and they don’t. 

Maybe I’m actually onto something with this product idea…

Get me a publicist!  We need bobble-heads next!