Zombie Toons

I imagine that if the zombie apocalypse hit the Warner’s movie lot, it would sound something like this:

ONSET

“Gee Brain, what are we going to do tonight?”

“The same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world!”

Through their endless endeavors for world domination, laboratory mice Pinky and the Brain would inevitably attempt some form of controlled disease in hopes of humbling the human race.  Unfortunately, their track record of success leaves them at a percentage rate of about 0.  That being said, we know how this - and every zombie apocalypse for that matter - is going to end.  Here are the highlights:

PATIENT ZERO

There must be a proper patient zero if the plague is going to spread with success.  And who better to infect first than someone whose cannibalistic behaviors already goes unnoticed by the rest of the loony universe: Porky Pig.  Older episodes of the poorly functioning piggy document this bacon-aficionado frying up his favorite breakfast and eating it.  Where does he get the bacon?!  Did he know the person?!  Does his have his own pig farm?  Did he kill the pig himself?  Why is this okay?!

It was only a matter of time before disease would find its way into the pig farm, and the pants-less, mindless Porky would put the swine flu to shame.

RESISTANCE

The first - and probably only - line of defense would be a veteran hunter, a man with years of training, plenty of time in the field, and a determination unlike any other of making his mark.

“Be vewy, vewy quiet, we’we hunting zombies, huh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh…”

Unfortunately, a man who not only can’t sneak up on a rabbit, but cannot seem to even notice the rabbit sneaking up on him, is not going to avert a zombie apocalypse.  In fact, Elmer Fudd will inevitably (if not quickly) find himself surrounded by walkers.  When that moment comes, and the swarm presses in, he will break down into such a pitiful display of sobbing that even the zombies will back off uncomfortably.  Regardless of whether or not they spare him out of extreme aversion, or tear him apart to silence him, the mounted defensive will be for naught.

SPREAD

And now, a the Infected Nations of the World, brought to you by Yakko Warner:

 “United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru.  Republic Dominican, Cuba, Carribean, Greenland, El Salvador too…”

All across the planet, pandemonium will ensues as toon after toon is taken down in cartoon fashion, either as a sacrifice, a victim, and due to their overconfidence.  Toons don’t work well together, and their hyper-narcissism, love of pranks, and toying with death will become their undoing. 

Daffy Duck’s final moments would consist of looking at Bugs Bunny, who would be chomping a carrot as he enjoys the ingenuity in which he left the duck for dead, and declare to anyone that would listen, “You’re despicable!”

Characters like Yosemite Sam - red-haired, trigger-happy gunslinger - would hold off “them filthy vermin” for a time, but no one’s coming to his rescue. 

Wile E Coyote - failed mechanical engineer and demolition “expert” - will pop the classic “Help!” sign up as the zombies close in.  Unless, of course, this happens to be one of the few times he accidentally blasts himself to the moon (hold that thought, we’ll come back to this).

SURVIVORS

Foghorn Leghorn - dead.  However, the nerdy chicken kid that any person would declare, “I…I…I say, that boy’s a genius!”  He’ll make it.

Pepe le Pew - already smells dead, unless of course he decides to seduce a zombie cat for the sake of romance.

The Road Runner and Speedy Gonzalez - You keep up with these two.  Unless Taz turns, they’ll be fine.

And Pinky - somehow it always comes to pass that the Brain’s endeavors fail, and Pinky is left behind, albeit alive. 

FALLOUT

Sadly, there’s not much two rats, a skunk, a … whatever the road runner is, and a chicken boy genius are going to be able to do to restore the world to its former glory.

Not that it matters, for on the face of the moon, a determined and unhindered Martian with a Uranium 232 Space Modulator will at last be able to blow up the earth.