Bacon 'n' Brains

There’s nothing in Iowa.  Nothing at all.  Iowa is that space between states that someone decided needed a name so we all had something to call it.  Hell, “Iowa” means “sleeping” in the Native American language of the region.  If I could sleep my way through Iowa, I would.  In fact, on road trips, I plan it out so that I’m entering Iowa in the dead of night, and clearing out by the time the sun comes up.  No point in wasting daylight in there.

So don’t bother spending time in Iowa…. unless you go to one of two places.

Bacon Fest

My brother and his wife insisted that Tonya and I accompany them this year to Bacon Fest in Des Moines, Iowa.  I guess this is like the event in Iowa this time of the year.  4000 tickets went on sale just after Christmas.  They sold out in 25 minutes!!!

It's exactly what you would think it is.  There are dozens and dozens state fair show-floor stands, each one run by a different bacon vender. They’re all trying to sell their version of their cured bacon, BBQ rubs, dips, bacon infused ice-cream, bacon-wrapped sausage sandwiches - not to mention beer, PBR, Coors, Bud Lite, or whatever your vice is - cocktails, bloody maries, or this amazingly smooth and rare whiskey called Templeton Rye.  If you like whiskey, you need to get your hands on this stuff.

Brotherly Bonding

Here’s what you do.  Get yourself a beer (or cocktail), a sample of bacon, and then go stand in the next line.  While you wait for your next bacon fix, eat the one you already have and socialize with the people around you…. Or interact like my brother and I did.

I walked out of there three hours feeling for the first time like a vegan.  I never wanted to see another pork product again.  I never wanted to touch meat again.  The residual taste made me feel sick.  I didn’t even want to think about meat again, much less food for that matter.  I was already incubating a baby pig in a womb of PBR in my stomach.  After sitting in a packed car for the next 4-5 hours on the ride back to the cities, letting the festering meat gyrate in my gut, I was damn near ready to spew.

So much bacon.  Too much bacon.  Ug, bacon.  Baaaacooon…..mmm bacon.

Did I mention that this year’s theme was the “Baconapocalypse.”  So not only was there bacon, but there was a small pack of the undead wandering around, too - one of which I recognized from the night before at a bar called...

I don't like a zombie that's within arm's reach
of me, or not in plain sight, or that's
about at night, or... well you get the idea

Zombie Burger

In downtown Des Moines is a hole-in-the-wall bar & burger joint covered in all sorts of zombie apocalypse murals and artwork.  If you’re expecting the staff to be dressed up, you’ll be disappointed.  I wasn’t, because I’m a chicken, and the last thing I want is someone with peeling flesh gurgling beside and/or behind me while I try to maintain an appetite.

However, the menu is printed on the back of “The Villager” newsletter, which is filled with accounts of the spreading plague - so that's cool.  Also, all of the burgers seem suspect in nature, as do the drinks.  I, for one, enjoyed a “Red Death” cocktail, along with a healthy “T-Virus” burger (for those of you who are fans of Resident Evil).  Although, the “Boomstick” sounded appealing, too.

While you eat, you can enjoy watching the sports TVs that are hung up throughout the bar.  Only, they are not screening games.  Nope.  They're screening B-rate - scratch that - D-rate horror flicks that would otherwise only ever make it onto MST3K.  Subtitles make the films all the more lamentable and comical.  We spent the better part of the night laughing at the trite script, cliché acting; and placing bets on the who would live and die by the end.

Lots of fun.  Definitely check it out if for some reason you seem to think Iowa is the place to be.  Already I have one friend who is mad that we didn’t buy a fifth ticket for him to experience the Baconapocalypse with us; and another who’s jealous we went to the zombie-free zombie burger without her.

However, to make up for it, she is now luring us into a place called Donny Drake’s Zombie Den here in Minneapolis.  Somehow, I don’t think I’m going to be as lucky in avoiding zombies this time…     

Easily my favorite artwork at the Zombie Burger