Halloween: Breaking Bad

For those of you who don't know,
"Breaking Bad" is about chemistry
teacher Walter White, who when
diagnosed with terminal cancer,
decides to cook meth in order
to provide for his family.

Some people go all out for Halloween.  Some think it’s the greatest holiday out there.  I, believe it or not, am not one of those people.  This year however, I might have a hard time convincing you otherwise.

I’m a bit self-conscious about my receding hairline.  I become hyper aware of it when my hair gets too long, and it starts to look like the comb-over that old professors seem to sport - you know who I’m talking about.  I know you’ve had that teacher, too!

Well, it was time for a haircut again.  It was also closing in on Halloween.  And in my contempt, I said the usual “maybe I should just shave it all off.  I’m going to look that way soon enough anyways.”  I also jokingly said to myself that I could just shave it off, and be Walter White from the TV show “Breaking Bad.”


I said that on Monday.  I wasn’t serious.  Well, not until I shaved it on Thursday.

If you’ve never shaved your head before, let me warn you - you’re skull has no temperature regulation.  When you’re not moving, its hot, because that’s where all the heat in your body vents from.  When you move in the slightest, it gets cold and drafty.  Really weird.  Try it out. 

It’s also hard to get use to how you look.  Between the buzz and the goatee, I feel like a dweeby nerd inside a thug’s body.  Strangers look at me differently.  I went to buy something from Sears.  The salesman seemed like he wasn’t interested in selling to me, which was weird, because I’ve bought both my lawnmower, and my snow-blower from him.  He didn’t recognize me.  I didn’t bother to introduce myself.  He wanted nothing to do with me.  Shallow prick…

Work on Friday was fun.  Nothing but positive feedback.  The three reactions I got were as follows:

1. “Dude, you look just like him, only younger.”

2. “I seriously didn’t recognize you.  I just thought you had a new temp in your department.  Like, you waved at me and I just thought, well isn’t he a friendly guy.”

3. “You have a nice shaped head.  It doesn’t look deformed or nothin’”


My favorite, however, was “Hey, can I get a picture of you to send to my wife?”

I can honestly say I have never had anyone say those words, in that order to me before.

Oh Crap! I know you!

My wife and I went to a Caribou coffee shop yesterday for - of all things - coffee.  As soon as we entered the building, my eyes locked on a person sitting in a leather chair in the corner across from us.  It was one of my coworkers.  She was busy on her laptop, and apparently did not witness us come in.  In my surprise, I looked at Tonya and said, “Hey, look.  Its so-and-so!”  I said it loud enough that I thought she would hear me, but not loud enough for it to sound like a excessive stage whisper.  Well, my friend didn’t look up.

That’s when my over-thinking kicked it.  “Is that her?  Maybe it isn’t her.  She must have heard me.  I’m pretty sure that’s what she was wearing at work today.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe that isn’t her.  Now that I stare at her like a creep, it doesn’t look like her.  Should I go up and say ‘hi’?  Well, if it's not her, that would be awkward.  Maybe I’ll say her name loudly in hopes she looks…and if that’s not her and she looks up anyways, and I’m still staring at her, I’ll feel like an ass.  Nah, forget it…

“But wait!  What if that is her, but I don’t go say ‘hi,’ and she sees me leave.  Then she’ll think I was avoiding her, and I don’t mean to be like that. 

“I know!  I’ll sit down with Tonya and exaggerate my conversation to catch her attention and then she’ll have to come say hi to me.  That puts the pressure on her, not me.”

Yeah, that didn’t work.  And yes, that was my coworker.  And no, she never noticed that we came in, ordered our drink, sat down a table away from her for half an hour, and left without saying goodbye.

Narcissism at it's best!

I’ve got another great marketing idea! ME!  That’s right, ME.  This guy.  This guy right here.  Wait, come back!  Let me explain,myself…
<grumble grumble I don’t see why I have to defend myself mutter mutter>

A conversation involving me went too far, and no one stopped me before I went off the deep end.  I joked that it would be funny to take fifty professional-type pictures of myself, frame them all, and line my hallway, two rows on a side, all the way down to the bedroom.  I’m sure Tonya would love that!  Better yet, how about we take a massive, wall-sized photo of my good looks and hang it right over the bed!  Oh my god, awesome!!

Two things real quick.  1.) Believe it or not, I am not this narcissistic, and 2.) This all has a valid point that I’m working up to.

Spongebob came up right pretty quick after that, and how the “employee of the month” wall had nothing but his face on it.  Well, wouldn’t it be funny to have all the walls of my office (assuming, for example, I ran an ice cream delivery service) layered with portraits of myself.  Imagine being in that room for an interview!  Better yet:  I’ll buy a wooden desk with a glass surface, and then have a large portrait of myself between it and the wood, looking up at you while you sit across from me!

The only place to go from here is paraphernalia.  What do you think of JonnyDStrong…

          Playing cards - 52 different images of me.
          Calendars - Especially page-a-day calendars
          Coffee mugs - Picture this.  When the cup gets hot, I appear. 
                                  When it cools off, I disappear!   
          Chia pets - Watch my receding hairline grow back.   
          Cardboard standouts   
          T-shirts
          Bobble Heads

And then it occurred to me:

If someone as useless, sad, and as pathetic of a representative of the planet earth like Paris Hilton can become popular for no rightful reason whatsoever, then anyone else should (if not deserves to) be able to do the same.  I honestly believe that if you have the proper amount of publicity and marketing, you could take someone, anyone, and make them a sellable product.  People will buy crap just because it’s “that guy,” especially teenagers.  Why?  Because it’s cool to support something nonsensical.

All you need is someone who thinks that he’s kinda of a big deal.  One of those guys who has a hard time pulling myself away from the mirror because of the dashing chap staring back at me.  Someone who can throw myself out there with my cocksure demeanor and infallible confidence.

Well, I couldn’t develop a theory without making a field study out of it.  I was going to have to make JonnyD paraphernalia. No way around it, really.  To my wife’s great joy, I discovered a website that will make custom playing cards for dirt cheap.  Even worse, I found several people who were more than willing (even than me) to help set up a photo shoot in my basement, or donate hats, helmets, clothes, and make-up to the event.

So at this point I ask you: Is it still narcissism if there’s a whole group of people supporting this?

My friend and aspiring photographer Niki Craft brought over her camera equipment and took the pictures.  We were at it for five hours.  We took over five hundred shots!  I selected the ones I wanted, retouched them and placed the order.  I must say, they are quite impressive, and I’ve gotten nothing but good reception from everyone I’ve shown them off to.

A few people have actually seemed offended that I would even do something like this.  Come on, folks.  You’ve got to be able to have fun with yourself. 

And maybe they’re just pissed off that it’s not their face on the cards.  Or better yet, they’re jealous that I have a deck of JonnyD cards, and they don’t. 

Maybe I’m actually onto something with this product idea…

Get me a publicist!  We need bobble-heads next!

Extra Life

Two weeks from today, the Fat Chance Heroes will undertake their first mission as heroic good-doers.  They will endure 24 straight hours of video game playing on behalf of Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals.  All the money they raise will go to the Gillette’s Children’s Hospital in Saint Paul, Minnesota.

Both Mystery Longshanks and Cold Man Fusion have been gung-ho about this event from day one.  Neither of them can decide which games they’re going to play for the duration of the event.  If anything, their biggest problem is that they only have 24 hours.

Blackout, on the other hand… not so much.  Don’t get me wrong.  She’s committed the event.  She’ll be there.  But she’s not the biggest video gamer, and she’s not quite sure if she’ll be able to stay awake for the whole thing.

Meanwhile, Mystery and CMF, are practically setting up a fallout shelter.  What supplies do we need?  Where do we set up the TVs?  Who’s on food rotation?  Who’s keeping who awake? How many people can be connected to the internet at a time? 

Oh yes, their training will be pushed to the max.

And it will be documented.  Never fear.  I intend to set up a camera, from which, once and hour, a photo will be taken of the war room so that people can see how the Fat Chance Heroes hold up.

Technically, Extra-Life takes place October 15^th into the 16^th.  However, due to schedule conflicts, the Fat Chance Heroes will be participating the following weekend instead:

October 22^nd at 8:00am, to October 23^rd at 8:00am.
The only challenge remaining is raise what money they possibly can for the Children’s Hospital.  So far, the heroes have raised
119 dollars

If you would like to support the heroes in the Extra Life charity event, visit their pledge page:

Fat Chance Heroes @ Extra Life

*Note: Extra-Life will only take donations until October 15th.




About Extra-Life
www.extra-life.org

Extra Life is an annual charity event that started in 2008 in honor a girl named Victoria Enmon, who died of lymphoblastic leukemia.  The Sarcastic Gamer Community donated video games and gifts to keep the girl’s spirits up.  In that same spirit, video gamers participate in the 24 hour Extra Life event to help raise money for children’s hospitals across the nation. 

Fat Chance Heroes:

Visit them at fatchanceheroes.blogspot.com

Find out about their Upcoming Events

Monthly Scoop: October 2011

So that’s it.  September’s over.  What an amazingly short, yet strangely productive month.  I’m finding it’s nice to have the JonnyD Weekly around so I can remember what I’ve been up to.  My memory only works for about 36 hours, tops.  I’m writing this Saturday night.  I can’t recall Thursday at all anymore.

I do know, however, that I am finally down to the backwash of my August bucket list.  Moby Dick is read, as is two-thirds of the everything my co-workers have loaned me.  I also beat Baldur’s Gate II, a PC game that I’ve been sitting on since 2001, and have been picking away at for over a year.

And let’s not forget the Gauntlet!  The question I keep getting is, “When’s the Gauntlet II?”  When, mind you, not, Will there be.  To answer that, lets say, January 2012.

In short, the slate is clear.  Its time to change gears - make a new list of goals to keep me busy until the end of the year.  If you’ve noticed, I’ve already started laying the ground work.

With the colder climate on its way, its time to return to my writing.  Temporaltorium has been patiently sitting on my desk for the better part of 2011, waiting for me to delve into round three of editing it.  I am not looking forward to it.  The trimming I need to do is like taking a Miata, and crunching it down to the size of a matchcar.

On the flip side, I’m long overdue to start writing something new.  I haven’t created new material since I finished the novel back in July 2010.  I have several novels floating around in my mind.  I’ve also thought about unloading dozens of short stories to send off to magazines.  That seems the more productive idea.

And then there’s the Fat Chance Heroes.  A co-worker of mine wanted to join a 5K run I had signed up for.  It logically followed that we come up with a team name.  Then we decided it was silly to make a good team name only to use it this one time. 

So, now the Fat Chance Heroes have their own page at

http://fatchanceheroes.blogspot.com

and are looking for events and/or charities to sign up for.

Along with a team name, we came up with alter-egos, like Mystery Longshanks, Cold Man Fusion, Blackout.  The characters have been so damn interesting that I could make up fantastical stories of their exploits.

I’m seriously considering it…