There Goes the Planet: Part II

In my population control model, everyone is issued a “gene pool” (or GP) credit by the government.  If the government can issue everyone a social security number, they should be able to issue everyone a GP credit.  When a child is born, both the mother and the father are charged a credit.  One child, two credits. 

As long as a person only uses their one credit, they will not be effected in any way.  Now, not everyone intends to, or is able to, or gets around to having a child.  These people will be able to sell their GP credit back to the government for a permanent tax-break deductions.  The flip side of that is that anyone who has a second, or a third child, will be penalized and/or have their taxes permanently increased by a certain amount per child.

There Goes Planet Earth: Part I

Enough updates!  Let's talk about something.

I just finished watching the Planet Earth series put out by the BBC.  Overall, it is documentary regarding the beauty of the natural environment, and the continual pressure that we put on it.  The final disc of the five disc set is entitled, Planet Earth: Future.  It addresses the big question of, “Where do we go from here?”  The arguments that fire back and forth are so strikingly different that it absolutely astounds me.  On one end, there are the people that say without intervention we will destroy the diversity and sustainability of this planet.  The other side says that the environmentalist are exaggerating the situation; and for all sorts of legal, political, and pragmatic reasons, nothing can be done to address the issue.

Narcissism at it's best!

I’ve got another great marketing idea! ME!  That’s right, ME.  This guy.  This guy right here.  Wait, come back!  Let me explain,myself…
<grumble grumble I don’t see why I have to defend myself mutter mutter>

A conversation involving me went too far, and no one stopped me before I went off the deep end.  I joked that it would be funny to take fifty professional-type pictures of myself, frame them all, and line my hallway, two rows on a side, all the way down to the bedroom.  I’m sure Tonya would love that!  Better yet, how about we take a massive, wall-sized photo of my good looks and hang it right over the bed!  Oh my god, awesome!!

Two things real quick.  1.) Believe it or not, I am not this narcissistic, and 2.) This all has a valid point that I’m working up to.

Spongebob came up right pretty quick after that, and how the “employee of the month” wall had nothing but his face on it.  Well, wouldn’t it be funny to have all the walls of my office (assuming, for example, I ran an ice cream delivery service) layered with portraits of myself.  Imagine being in that room for an interview!  Better yet:  I’ll buy a wooden desk with a glass surface, and then have a large portrait of myself between it and the wood, looking up at you while you sit across from me!

The only place to go from here is paraphernalia.  What do you think of JonnyDStrong…

          Playing cards - 52 different images of me.
          Calendars - Especially page-a-day calendars
          Coffee mugs - Picture this.  When the cup gets hot, I appear. 
                                  When it cools off, I disappear!   
          Chia pets - Watch my receding hairline grow back.   
          Cardboard standouts   
          T-shirts
          Bobble Heads

And then it occurred to me:

If someone as useless, sad, and as pathetic of a representative of the planet earth like Paris Hilton can become popular for no rightful reason whatsoever, then anyone else should (if not deserves to) be able to do the same.  I honestly believe that if you have the proper amount of publicity and marketing, you could take someone, anyone, and make them a sellable product.  People will buy crap just because it’s “that guy,” especially teenagers.  Why?  Because it’s cool to support something nonsensical.

All you need is someone who thinks that he’s kinda of a big deal.  One of those guys who has a hard time pulling myself away from the mirror because of the dashing chap staring back at me.  Someone who can throw myself out there with my cocksure demeanor and infallible confidence.

Well, I couldn’t develop a theory without making a field study out of it.  I was going to have to make JonnyD paraphernalia. No way around it, really.  To my wife’s great joy, I discovered a website that will make custom playing cards for dirt cheap.  Even worse, I found several people who were more than willing (even than me) to help set up a photo shoot in my basement, or donate hats, helmets, clothes, and make-up to the event.

So at this point I ask you: Is it still narcissism if there’s a whole group of people supporting this?

My friend and aspiring photographer Niki Craft brought over her camera equipment and took the pictures.  We were at it for five hours.  We took over five hundred shots!  I selected the ones I wanted, retouched them and placed the order.  I must say, they are quite impressive, and I’ve gotten nothing but good reception from everyone I’ve shown them off to.

A few people have actually seemed offended that I would even do something like this.  Come on, folks.  You’ve got to be able to have fun with yourself. 

And maybe they’re just pissed off that it’s not their face on the cards.  Or better yet, they’re jealous that I have a deck of JonnyD cards, and they don’t. 

Maybe I’m actually onto something with this product idea…

Get me a publicist!  We need bobble-heads next!

Late Night Ice Cream Delivery

It’s late at night - ten, eleven, midnight or later.  You’re home, in your PJs, watching a movie, or playing a game with your significant other.  Do you know what suddenly sounds really good right now?  Ice cream!  Oh my god, yes!  That does sound good. 

You run to the fridge like a woman with a pregnant craving - or maybe you are a pregnant woman.  But guess what.  You’re out of ice cream :(

Oh well, just go get some, right?  Hell no!  Who wants to go out?  You’re in your PJs already.  You were winding down for the night.  Ice cream shops are closed already, and you don’t feel like sitting in Perkins for their chocolate chipper Sunday.  You don’t even want to go out to the car.

Wouldn’t it just be nice if someone would go get it for you?  Yeah… but your honey’s at work, or is sitting next to you, as unmotivated as you are.

That’s where my new business comes in - the late night ice cream delivery service.  There are grocery delivery services out there, and pizza deliveries go until at least midnight.  Why isn’t there an ice cream delivery service out there yet?

I’ll start with a location in Dinky Town, Uptown, and Highland - three neighborhoods known for their intellectual diversity, Twin Cities culture, and college population.

First I need a few converted Schwans trucks.  Then, to hire on a team of young, well groomed and semi-formally dressed ice-cream chauffeurs.  Why?  Example: pizza delivery boy - blue and red shirt, hat with a limp bill, look of disdain on his pockmarked face.  No one wants their ice cream in the hands of that guy.

Wouldn’t you rather have your ice cream arrive in the hands of a proper, well mannered and pleasantly dressed individual, especially if the reason you ordered ice cream in the first place was because you are emotionally distressed?  That container of frozen goodness held beneath that charming smile would be the best thing this life could deliver you. 

I think the world needs someone like me to make that happen.